Chapter 1
I use the phrase there "Chapter 1" because this is the first chapter (as it were) in a new direction. I believe my profile says I am not a professional designer, but a student. And even then it wasn't quite true. I was a student who wasn't studying. Sure I read blogs, articles and what other designers post, but I wasn't really learning or studying.
Well, 7 days from today (exactly) I will be attending classes again to finish a degree I put off for years. It's a step in a long journey I started right around the time I came up with the blog. This step began not for me to fulfill some dream, or promise (not like I told other people), it came as a way to escape an abusive employer and a job I hated. So I reapplied, got the necessary paperwork together for re-entry into the vast empty space without a parachute.
After that my hated job dissolved (so my previous employer could purchase a new car, but that's besides the point) and I found myself working in a new environment. One where the employees were friendly, where my creativity was useful and I thrived. I started thinking of school not as an escape but something that could further me in this new company.
Then I was laid off. Facing the fear of the unknown, not sure if I would be able to handle the job search, the interviews and stress, I talked with my husband who said go back to school. It's been a mantra to me. Go back, finish the degree, fulfill the promise I made to my mother. But when all's said and done it's not the promise, finishing the degree or even an escape. I am terrified.
My last semester at school was a rough one. My mother had just passed (the month before the semester started), my spouse and I were going through some rough times (before we were married) and I was sitting on the fence trying to figure out where the softest spot was for when I fell... When I fell, not if. WHEN.
Fast forward 7 years to the present. I went to speak to my adviser at school, not really thinking anything would come of it. I didn't believe she would help beyond telling me I need certain classes. I didn't think anyone at the school, in the program (teachers) would remember me nor really care if I was behind. I didn't think walking from the parking lot to the adviser's office would be any big thing.
I was wrong on all accounts.
Everything changed, everything was the same. In that moment, that walk to see my adviser, I felt a crushing doom fall on my shoulders. A weight that if anyone had said was fear I would have denied. My adviser did more in that meeting than tell me what classes to take and when, she listened. She gave advice and she contacted the head of the department to ask if I could skip retaking classes to finish in 2 semesters instead of a year. The department head was my last instructor there, that last terrible semester. She remembered me before the adviser said my name, she was the one who asked it was me.
The department head was concerned and offered suggestions to get caught up to the rest of the students. My head was spinning from relief (which I didn't know it was at relief at the time) that I had these two women in my corner.
I realized as class day draws nearer and nearer that I was putting a failing mark on something I hadn't even begun. I quit things because I didn't want fail, not realizing that quitting is failing just at a different speed. So today I started working on trying rather than quitting.
I started a Behance porfolio (which is empty currently as my work is on another computer, sort of like Mario's princess being in another castle), I am coming back to my blog to continue my amature study and discussions of graphic design, art etc. and I am going back to school to learn how to be more.
So my readers, I am going to stop quitting and either fail on merit or try until I succeed. No more excuses, and no more silence. Thank you for reading and I hope I can deliver to you something interesting, intriguing and insightful.
My next post will be more on topic.
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